Saturday, January 23, 2010

On a Personal Note

     During this cruise, I’m following an itinerary other than the one that lists the countries we visit and the scenic vistas we see. It’ s journey into my future and into my past.
     I was married for almost 30 years, and now I’ve been not married for almost one. The itinerary of the past year was one of pain, grief, betrayal, and flickers of a new fire lighting the way. I have reached a point on this particular journey where I am sadder, but also stronger, more confident, and often happier. I am looking at the itinerary into my future with optimism.
     But it’s also a journey back, to the time before I was married. This cruise is the first time I’m meeting new people in a social situation, as a single woman. I knew that at some point I’d be again interested in other people, men, too. I thought, though, that I’d go through a time of wanting to be wanted, more than me wanting anyone else.
     I’ve had a crush, though, for several days, on someone, and it’s this that takes me back to my young woman days. The emotions are as surprising as they are familiar. Thinking about him a lot, that inner lift when I see him, especially when he smiles at me. The self-consciousness whenever I’m around him.
     It’s weird! I’d like to think I’ve learned something during all those married years, all those years of life experience since I was twenty-two. I guess I have gained some cynicism. I can say things like, I think about him, way too much. Or that it’s silly to be self-conscious. I know my body isn’t twenty-two any more, hasn’t been for a long time. But the basic emotions are there, and not much different.
Do we ever grow up?


  1. I hope we never grow's those feelings that make living worth while. I think the maturity is knowing that you have travelled the time and distance you have and know that you can learn and be strong and start again. Have fun Judy, that's what life is for!

  2. You go girl! It is the thrill...that is the exciting part. Don't forget, it is like shopping, just when you think that you have found the perfect item, you go out in the mall and see something even more perfect! Keep on shopping and remember who is in charge- it is YOU! Love it and embrace it! So proud of you!